If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!