Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Bloody internet 😳
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.