Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You Might Also Like
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad