Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit