It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You Might Also Like
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I falcon love using swear birds
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
the rocks need my help
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.