Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
necessity is the mother of invention
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time