When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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Beware of the dog..
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job