My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
bad
worse
worst
worchester
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.