🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
omg leave her alone
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…