Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.