I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
oh good, now I can stop drinking
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine