*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}