[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open