INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
this chia pet tastes awful
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.