Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.