her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”