Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.