I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
<- sleeps well with others
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties