Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If a snake ate a cake
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?