Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.