Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*