I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Can Happiness buy money?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”