[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.