If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
pizza
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Sing it!
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif