😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.