Wait a second…
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great