The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut