the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter