If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
(yawn)
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.