Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Velcrow
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident