I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate