I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
A bold strategy
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”