Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.