Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.