[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.