Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Natural selection at its finest
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”