when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
This is my favorite one of these!
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.