Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Cardio Made Easy
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!