The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Life cycle of cat
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*