Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The Backseat Boys
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Chicken bread
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting