(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Snapes on a plane.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.