If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”