I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Lube but for my dry humor.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.