You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house