Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You Might Also Like
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I’ll be mad as hell!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?