finally
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti