My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.