I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.