Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Put this video in the Louvre
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I can’t stop watching this.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.