“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫